my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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