ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
