We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
