She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
