When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize