and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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