don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
