Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
