Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
