My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
