The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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