as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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