Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Randomize
