people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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