Just took my morning after pill in the library
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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