if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
