Please, let me fuck your mom
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
