I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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