i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So much rum. So many feels.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
