Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
