Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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