I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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