Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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