Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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