you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Of course I have a pirate flag
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
