The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
