Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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