You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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