True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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