4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
