someone threw a dead crab at me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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