A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
