Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
