I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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