Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
