yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
