Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
