Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
