getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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