My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
