I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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