it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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