He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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