Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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