glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize