I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
