So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
