if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
