if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
