btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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