Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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