i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
