It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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