My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
