We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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