I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Two words: blizzard sex
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
