She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
