is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
