i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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