wrigley field is MILF paradise
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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