Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
