mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
