I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
