12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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