Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
